When we stay silent about things that matter, they don’t get better. Nothing changes when we turn our heads to injustice.
Every day so many of us put our kids on the school bus or we drop them off at the front doors of the school. We tell them we love them and we tell them to have a good day. We imagine them learning math, reading books, hopefully staying out of trouble, eating their lunch and enjoying time outside.
Special needs parents face the same drop off and pick ups. Although the day may look different for our kids. We still send our kids off just like everyone else with hope, faith and trust.
We never imagine our child coming home having had a paper stapled to their head by their teacher’s aid. And we shouldn’t have to imagine or even try to fathom this.
But, it has become a reality for a family after their son with autism had a paper stapled to his head by a teacher’s aid. She stapled the reminder note to his head so he would bring a water bottle to school. This teacher’s aid only received a reprimand letter recommending that they don’t staple papers to a child’s body.
Today, it is a child with autism, a note and a stapler. Tomorrow it could be your daughter, nephew or grand child.
All children need to be protected.
In this case the Boardman school board has failed to protect this child. So, we must do so.
We need your help! We must use our voices so that all our children are protected always.
What can you do to help?
Email or call the school board in Boardman and let them know that this is not acceptable. We need to make sure that this doesn’t happen to another child.
I have been following the case of Boardman school in Ohio and the teacher’s aid that stapled a piece of paper to a disabled child’s head, the whole incident is about the child not bringing a water bottle and this is what this stapled note was about. I know it sounds outrageous but even more so, nothing has been done about it. The teacher’s aid is still working with children and the school gave him/her a written letter of reprimand that the incident was inappropriate. Yes, you read that right….this person is still working with children and no charges have been filed by police.
The child in this case is 10 years old and on the autism spectrum.
I think every special needs parents worst fear when sending their child off to school is how they will be treated. Will they be bullied? Will someone be mean to them? If the child is non-verbal, we worry about how we will even know if any of this happens. But when we think of these things we often think of other children as the perpetrators of such acts. We rarely consider the teacher or teacher’s aid as the perpetrator because they are adults who should know better, and because they are persons in authority who are entrusted with the care of our children. It is hard to believe that when someone violates the care that is required by their profession, a violation that is both morally and ethically wrong- that there are no consequences.
There seems to be some disagreement about whether the paper was stapled directly to the head or hair of the child. I don’t think the minor details should overshadow this act. Stapling a piece of paper to another human being’s body is wrong, it doesn’t matter who does it, it doesn’t matter the day of the week, it doesn’t matter what their jobs are…it is WRONG!
There also seems to be disagreement about the injury sustained by the child. The school claims the teacher had “no intent to harm”. But, harm definitely occurred.
My son is also on the autism spectrum, I know if this happened to him it would be very traumatic and have significant repercussions to his mental/physical health. He would be so bothered by something being attached to him, he can’t even handle being touched by the tag on a piece of clothing that he’s wearing. He doesn’t like being touched, he doesn’t like being touched by any objects, if this occurs it can cause anxiety, affect his ability to regulate and process his feeling and emotions, he will shut down, not sleep, not eat, he will self-injure and display other behaviours. I can’t imagine anyone responding well to have such a thing done to them. A stapler can be scary tool to a child when its coming toward their body. I would never get my son in the vicinity of that school ever again and he would crave the comfort and security of his safe place for a long time to come.
I can’t understand the intentions of this teacher’s aid. How could they rationalize using the body of a disabled child as a tool of communication about something so trivial? Why didn’t they just send an email or phone the parent to request they send a water bottle with the child. In what world, is it okay to desecrate the body of a vulnerable child or that of any child?
We spend time trying to teach our children about accepting differences, kindness and being a friend. We have tough conversations and nationwide campaigns about bullying. I think the actions of the teacher’s aid is the worst kind of bullying, that of an adult in a position of power who knows better against a child. What kind of lesson does this send to other children who would see this child walking around with this note stapled to their body? Would the other kids have read it and laughed? Would they think they could write notes and staple them to another student? This incident is a blatant disregard for inclusion by forcing a disabled child to stand out with a paper stapled to their body. It is a discrimination in the truest and ugliest form perpetrated towards a vulnerable child.
Would this teacher’s aid have stapled the same paper to a child who wasn’t on the autism spectrum?
We want our children to know that they own their bodies and have control over what happens to them. We try to teach them about inappropriate touching and to tell someone to stop. It’s abuse that any child would be subjected to having their body used as a communication tool by an adult. It’s even more appalling that we don’t know if this child understood or had the ability to say “no” or “stop”, during this incident.
All children require protection.
All children deserve a voice, especially when and if they cannot speak for themselves.
All children, all individuals deserve to be treated as human beings.
This child deserved respect, kindness, safety and security of his person. He deserved the right to go to school, to learn, to be free from discrimination and dehumanizing actions.
This child has been failed by the educational and judicial systems that are supposed to protect him.
Ghandi once said, “the true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members”.
This child and his family deserve justice.
Every parent needs to know that incidents like this will not be tolerated.
They deserve to know and be confident in that the systems designed to protect our children will do just that.
I have always thought of great loves in terms of romantic soulmates’ relationships. The ones we dream about and watch in the movies. But the relationship I have with my son is like no other. My son Stalen is 5 years old and on the autism spectrum. He is also non-verbal. Since he is unable to verbally communicate with me our entire relationship is built on the connection of our hearts. Words are not necessary because our hearts do the talking.
Instead of quitting, we chose hope.
Instead of blame, we chose forgiveness.
Instead of anger, frustration or disappointment, we chose happiness, optimism and moving forward.
Instead of uncertainty, we chose faith.
We always, always, always chose love.
We choose it on the good days, the bad days and the dark days and all the in between days.
We choose it in the wee hours of the morning, the late hours of the night, and we choose it on the floor during meltdowns.
We choose it when we are at the hospital.
We choose it when we get stares.
We choose it when others don’t understand.
We choose it when the world doesn’t make sense, when our hearts are heavy and hurt.
We chose love even when we are torn and broken.
We chose love even when we don’t understand our path or God’s way.
I’m teaching Stalen to chose love and the rest will fall into place.
I am his person and he is mine. Cliché I know but we really do go together like peanut butter and jelly. I often joke and say that I know him better than I know myself. I’ve had to work extra hard to get to know him. I have to interpret his noises, his actions and movements, his body language, behaviours and even his looks. He is not interested in toys or other material things. His currency is one of time, effort and love.
I admire his ability to love on his own terms. No matter what he is doing throughout the day he thoughtfully checks in with me every so often. He will come sit beside me and gently take my hand and hold it. I will gently say I love you and squeeze his hand with each word. He will squeeze my hand back. This is our love language.
“Where there is a Great Love, There are Always Miracles” ~Willa Catherl
On April 12, 2015 my life changed forever. Those first couple of minutes after my son was born was not only love at first sight but the beginning of one of the most authentic relationships and greatest loves of my life.
I have always thought of great loves in terms of romantic soulmates’ relationships. The ones we dream about and watch in the movies. But the relationship I have with my son is like no other. My son Stalen is 5 years old and on the autism spectrum. He is also non-verbal. Since he is unable to verbally communicate with me our entire relationship is built on the connection of our hearts. Words are not necessary because our hearts do the talking.
I am his person and he is mine. Cliché I know but we really do go together like peanut butter and jelly. I often joke and say that I know him better than I know myself. I’ve had to work extra hard to get to know him. I have to interpret his noises, his actions and movements, his body language, behaviours and even his looks. He is not interested in toys or other material things. His currency is one of time, effort and love.
Stalen had to take a leap of faith and trust in me from the very beginning. It’s that trust that has built the solid foundation of our relationship. I never trick him. I’m always honest and tell him what’s upcoming even if I know he won’t like it. But this has served me well. Due to his trust in me, I have been able to talk him through many medical procedures even though he was anxious, upset and scared. In September, he had his first surgery. It was difficult to comfort him with words in the recovery room when he woke up. He was visibly in pain and confused. I kicked off my shoes and jumped onto the bed with him and held him. He immediately calmed down.
The things that come naturally through development for many kids, requires lots of hard work for my son. We set lots of goals and I work with him to acquire new skills. In our house, we celebrate a lot. The small things are really the big things for us. I remember the first time he waved at 3 years old, the first kiss he blew me at 4 years old and so many other significant milestones. It is magical every time I get to witness one of these huge moments! Supporting him towards reaching all of these milestones have made our relationship stronger. It isn’t always sunshine. We also have had many dark days with meltdowns, self harming behaviours, frustration from not being able to communicate and medical challenges. There have been many tears from both of us. Each of these challenges have tried to wittle away at the foundations that makes us strong.
Instead of quitting, we chose hope.
Instead of blame, we chose forgiveness.
Instead of anger, frustration or disappointment, we chose love.
Instead of uncertainty, we chose faith.
Every time I try to teach him a lesson, he teaches me something instead. When I try to teach him to celebrate his differences and to be proud of himself regardless of supports he requires, he shows me that despite all of these challenges, there is reason to smile. He finds the joy in every single day.
Most importantly, he has shown me love that I didn’t even know was possible; that a great love can exist between a mother and her child. One that is life changing, ever-lasting and unwavering. A love that may seem unconventional; its not depicted in a Hollywood movie. It doesn’t fit in a perfectly square box. It is a love that has immensely blessed us and is ever present in our lives.
When your raising a child with special needs you are no stranger to worry. I’ve learned that the worries will consume you, if you allow it. I worry every day about my son’s safety, about his health, his happiness, about the world accepting him for who he really is.
My son Stalen, was diagnosed on the autism spectrum when he was 21 months old. He is almost 6 years old and non-verbal.
One of the underlying challenges I worry about is the uncertainty of the future. With my step-children, I still have worries but I’m certain of some milestones like a drivers license, employment, pursuit of post secondary education, choosing a career, starting a family, buying a house, vehicle etc. Many of these things are unknown right now for Stalen. He will definitely achieve wonderful milestones but they will probably look different than those of his sisters and brother.
I always wonder what the later years will look like and what types of support and assistance Stalen will require. I try to imagine him as a teenager and as an adult.
I wonder if he will ever love Christmas?
I wonder if he will develop age appropriate interests?
I wonder if he will find his voice?
I wonder if he will always hold my hand when we go out?
I wonder if he will always wake up smiling and ready to take on the day?
I wonder if he will try new foods?
Each wonder also comes with some worry.
Will I be explaining his love of Dora and Buzz Lightyear into his 20s?
What if he doesn’t try new foods? Will he be 15 and I’ll have the same stress of weighing him on a regular basis and trying to get calories into him?
There will always be wonder on this journey. Subsequently, there will always be worry on this journey.
There will always be questions that I wonder and worry about and we will only get those answers as time passes.
I try not to worry about the things I can’t control. It is difficult and sometimes these worries get the best of me.
I will continue to wonder with hope and faith.
I will continue to focus on my son, his needs, his progress and skill acquisition. I will continue to encourage, support and love him unconditionally. I will continue to advocate for him as I have always done. I will continue to share our story with others, to educate when an opportunity arises and to spread as much kindness, understanding and love as we can.
I am excited for the future, despite the unknown. I do know that my boy is amazing and will crush any barrier or limit that comes his way. He has already established a wonderful and beautiful sense of self. I take great comfort in that carrying forward with him throughout life; in the person that I know he is, the boy he is growing into and the future man that he will become.
We will focus with open hearts and open minds with hope, faith, love, and determination on the pages in Stalen’s story, that are yet to be written, discovered and explored.
When I was pregnant with Stalen, I was 1000% certain that I was carrying a girl.
When it came to choosing a name for the baby, like most couples we tried to narrow it down to one favorite girl name and one favorite boy name.
When you are certain that your having a baby girl then you focus your time and energy on finding their perfect name. Boy names were not on my to do list. I had all my eggs in one basket.
I’m not sure who’s idea it was, I have a feeling it was all mine but I decided to enter into an agreement with my husband. If we had a girl I would name her, if we have a boy then he could name him. I felt like there was no way I could lose.
Imagine my complete shock at the ultrasound when the lady excitedly told me, “it’s a boy”. The room immediately filled to the brim with a thick awkward silence. My husband did not say a word.
I couldn’t believe that my mothers intuition had entirely let me down. But, now I believe it was an intentional part of a much bigger plan.
The plan that I would be Stalen’s Mom.
I wasn’t quite sure what I would do with a boy. I was nervous and a little scared to be a boy mom.
A few days after the news had sunk in, my darling husband reminded me of our little agreement. He was beyond excited that he had the sole naming rights of his son. I was able to negotiate and could chose the middle name.
I knew he was carefully searching and pondering names. I hoped for the best. I remember one night he told me that our son would be named Stalen. (For pronunciation purposes it rhymes with Allen). The name means “quiet warrior”.
It was meant to be.
It is a very common name in the Caribbean and we have always loved to travel to warm, tropical places so it has a special meaning in that regard as well.
There are so many ironies in this story.
The name is perfectly befitting of our “quiet warrior”.
I was so focused on what really didn’t matter, I should have been focused on my health, delivery, and preparation so much so that I was thrown a complete u-turn that forced me to readjust my thinking.
I was worried about what I would do with a boy…yet, Stalen and I share a deep connection in spirit and of the heart that I could never have imagined.
I’m not where I thought I would be, but I’m exactly where I was meant to be.
I want to share something that happened to Stalen and I quite some time ago but it still resonates with me today.
As many of you know, Stalen has challenges with his feet and legs which require him to wear orthotics 8 hours a day. He has worn them for many years and may require lifelong supports. He also struggles with difficult terrain like snow, ice, uneven surfaces, dips and bumps. He falls a lot and has sustained injuries because of this. These things combined with excessive noise, vehicles, and people make parking lots very challenging and sensory overloading for him. Since we live in Canada, winter is very difficult for him. So, after I injured my ribs carrying him in parking lots I had a conversation with our doctor and got him an accessible parking permit. It made sense to make things more manageable for both of us. The permit required a special paperwork and participation from the doctor. It is issued solely in Stalen’s name. We only use it when he is with us and needs to exit the car. It allows us to park close enough that he can walk with my full support. If it’s really chaotic then I can carry him still but it’s a much shorter distance.
Accessibility parking permits can be issued to any person regardless of their age or ability to drive a vehicle.
One day Stalen and I exited the grocery store and I saw an older gentleman watching us. We were parked in an accessible parking spot and Stalen’s permit was visible. As I was putting Stalen in his car seat, this man was at the front of my vehicle taking a picture of my license plate. I could visibly tell he wasn’t a police officer or with the city parking enforcement. Once I got Stalen in the car, I made my way to the drivers door and there he was waiting for me.
He looked at me and said “you have no right to be parked here”. I couldn’t believe my ears. So I said, “excuse me”. He said it to me again “you have no right to be parked here”. He proceeded to add, “your not handicapped”. I replied, “your exactly right, I’m not. But, my 4 year old son in the back seat does have an invisible disability”.
I was shocked. It was probably the first time in my life I was beyond speechless. I could feel my eyes burning.
I was so bothered to think that this man took pictures of my vehicle and waited to confront me. I felt violated and somewhat targeted. I couldn’t help but wonder if the same conversation would have happened if my husband had been with us.
What if my son had been 20, non-verbal and confronted by that man? While he may not be able to verbally communicate, he can understand words and feelings towards him.
I was sickened when I thought of someone with an invisible disability or any disability for that matter trying to get groceries, dealing with all the bumps of every day life and then having to encounter this man with his judgements and preconceived notions.
I was upset because I had just a small taste of the judgement that individuals living with disabilities may encounter. I can’t imagine dealing with regular occurrences like that.
Discrimination (and judgement) of a disability-whether visible or invisible is one of the lowest forms of disrespect and exclusion that I’ve ever witnessed. But, I’m certain it happens all the time.
There is a great profound sadness in that.
My heart broke while the cruelty of that moment stung and took my breath away.
I cried on the way home that day, not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I’m trying so damn hard to protect a little boy from unkind moments just like this and I know that I can’t protect him forever.
There once was a dog who needed a new home, and a little boy who needed a dog.
It’s not clear who rescued who.
They rescued each other with love, adventure, and a shared curiosity for trouble-the foundation of a great friendship. The dog saw the boy for who he really was despite his flapping, stimming and no spoken words. The boy saw the dog for who he really was despite his shortcomings with previous owners.
Together, they spent their days enjoying snacks, cuddles, playing, sometimes fighting and playing tricks on their Mom.
Sometimes we need a friend and we don’t even know it! When you ignore the opinions of others and look beyond the exterior to what really matters with an open heart and an open mind a true forever friendship is formed.
Stalen's Way 